Manhattanite1987's Xanga

Christmas Vacation

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 08:17:21 GMT

After Nine month you think I will be super pumped to leave Bowling Green, Oh and go back to New York City My Home... I dont entirely think so. Going home at this point is highly a happy situation. I havent been able to call it home due to so many issues surrounding my life. My identity in Spanish Harlem is being stripped away due to lack of remembering my existence in the place I grew up in. Growing up as fast I did, the friends I have at home seem to be population 1. The level of sadness when I hear that I am not allowed to relaz hurts the soul. I dont deserve anything for christmas also hurts the heart. I never realized how little family I truely have. When your being told ppl hate you at home, you stay strong and remove all disbelief that really could be true. Christmas Vacation may be my way out for 3 weeks, but it reinforces how much Bowling Green means to me. I may boast about being a New Yorker, and how Amazing it is, but living the way I do its not an amazing place. It hurts knowing that 2 ppl look forward to seeing you, having to place a fake facade on when you have to stay with a man who pretains to be a dad when it only benefits him. I neber understood why Christmas Vacation is the worst time in my college life. Granted, I have my Michelle, My Sis Myesha and my cousin Nefertiti, but it still hurts to know your only a burden not a welcome member to the family.

It sucks that Financially, I have to depend on individuals because once I step through that door I will always be reminded of that very thought. I sit in pain, when my very room has been taken hostage by childs toys, game systems, and nothing music related. It hurts when your name is on the lease but your not allowed to call it yours. nineteen years and your still to young, but for me its adult years. I been told that I am a screw up, a Gay disgrace, a cold heartless bitch, a traditor to all things Black and hood. Its a lot for one person to bear. Having the life I live, Financially straped, barely holding on academically, putting on the strong face becausr you know your friends expect that of you. When I am around guys like Eliegh, Mark, Marksquared I have to place this strong front knowing damn well they are probally more talented, driven. They have the things I want and attain. from the family support, the Loving relationships to the High GPAs. I chase a dream, I chase something that may be seen as un attainable. Being that every christmas break I have to deal with those harsh feelings daily, hurts and crushes my immune ayatem. christas break is an emotional time, where nothing makes sense, nothing seems real, nothing seems to be my reality. I have come so far, and this Christmas break going into 2007, I have to show a lack of cash, 3rd place in a pageant, a loss of a PR position in LSU, barely hoping to keep a 3.8 to keep a scholarship, a haterid from an Ex, a crush on someone who may or may not be gay, to even again Being single. Thats what Christmas break allows me to dwell on, it makes me miss my friends in Chanelle, Ericka, Mark. to my brothers in MC, my officer duties as Historian. Christmas Break strips me of the fighter in me, that has worked on being accepting of myself, but refelects on how Big a fCUK UP I am. Its harsh, but thats generally what my christmas break is like, I guess when you dont get presents from family who hate you, subconconciusly thats thje christmas gift that I was given.

So Merry Christmas to all who reads this, may your break be merry, I will prey mines wont hurt me more.!!

The Blonde Moment

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 22:06:26 GMT

well.... funny story today at work......usually its uneventful, nothing to do or see......however.......Autumn Z........Decides she wants to play a game of ring up tickets. She calls herself then "slipping" to print out some tickets........yeahs about 971 tickets....with this she spent about 3,398.50..........so the entire 12-5 shift ...being a nice guy... I refenced all of the while keeping composure those numbers.... and Mind you the movie was Open Season that was printed...so yeah she def... had to Void, refund and write mispunch on all 971 tickets, mind you thats both Voided and Mispunched tickets....so she had 1,942 tickets to write on Manually...So yeah wait to go Autumn

Perpetuating a thought process

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 06:11:40 GMT

My favorite quality that I feel majority of people can respect about me, is the ways in which I can articulate my emotions, feelings, and almost anything that runs through my mind. I swear when my world of grades, dreams, determination takes that well needed rest, I begin to think of the people, places, events, chances, risks, and steps I have taken to become the person I am today. From working in a Museum with 15 other New York High Schools who come from very different backgrounds who have to work together and establish a connection, to Moving to another state which is far from normal to me, to Losing the person that taught me the talent of expression. I perpetuate my expression. I swear without meeting individuals I had huge crushed on, or guys who push my Urban/Street suide to come out, or the Women who play my Grace, Karen, Sophia, Blanche, Rose, Julia, Suzanne and my Carrie Bradshaw. I become a stronger overall person. I dunno what would have happened If I did get the chance to be with Matt or Mike, the hottest guys in BGSU, I might have not have allowed myself to find guys equally as sexxy to call my very own. With the Disagreements with my coworkers I might not have learned the lesson of standing up for myself, or Even the value of Bugging out and being Raunchy thats something I learned from a Certain Detroit Diva. I never would have guessed, My college exprience blessed me in more ways then one. Sometimes I feel I might be too deep, hopefully one day, someone will explore my mind. But to those who have embraced, tolerated, Understood, talked to me I thank each and everyone of, I wouldnt be striving to be this person without the aide of all of you.

Entry #6 Fresh Tailed Love

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 00:44:52 GMT

So this summer was my moment to reflect on many issues, I have as an individual. Majority of my vast shitty reflectionary issues were fixed. Getting a 3.70 for the summer, Losing 21 pounds, feeling stable in my mind and my approaches to my vast friendships. I have realized that I finally thought me being SINGLE the most demeaning, scarey and depressing word for me, I thought I was over it. I thought I got to a place where I could be ok with not having that other special love in my life. Again, I jumped the gun. Its like a favorite Movie, that you know all the lines, laugh at the same places, scream at the same parts. For me this my silent movie, that turns into a nightmare. That I know all of the lines of, Cry and scream at all the same places. Being a Burntout College student, stepping into the residence halls, I understand that I become a different person from when I am not in these confining halls.

The reason this Entry is existing, is because I have someone so exceptional, so what I invision, what I can see as my potential future, with a little twist, but I cant have it. In my silent Movie my character always ask, Why Cant Things Go My Way? I just dont understand, why people that I picture my wedding with, or kissing under a shade, or even just holding, cant be my reality. I swear it messes with my mind, Being Sweetm Kind, a Gentleman, a Good moralistic child not enough. I hate fucking pondering these triffling questions, its like Asking Rosa Parks, Why she didnt get up out that seat? Its fucking annoying. I like this person, I swear the deepest story I ever saw, its an emotional, romantic, trancing, piercing Story. I am such a sucker for that shit, and its rough that I have that gift of seeing that in people. This person blew me away with that story from the moment I saw it.

I dont know, how this story will play out, but I dont think it will work in my favor like allways. But we will work it out to the best of my ability.

Doesnt it suck, that when Things get emotional, follow through falls off. I just hope I can keep it from fucking me up.

Entry #5

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 03:38:09 GMT

This week started off with me not wanting to do anything, which has made me really concerned that I am running out of juice for these last 3 classes. I have Started off my classes with a B in TV Sitcoms, which unfortunately isnt the start I wanted. I needed to be spot on Flawless. I have been working out a lot, which I am really proud of, because I complain about my weight and I been monitoring it. I been trying to not think about my Single Life. Natasha Beddingfield, Loves being Single, however I feel powerless without someone special. I am put in the corner that really is very uncomfortable in many wayss. I seem to have so many good things that make me up, but why do I have to have the flaws to go along with them? I am so worry about stuff, and sorta losing focus. Can you feel it when something is so close but yet so far. I am trying to believe in That degree in my hands in almost 2 yrs and holding on To Love that will find me and come give me that hug and kiss I needed. I just didnt think I would be flippen losing my mind like I do. We will see how Well my life goes this comming yr.

English 112 Stress

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 21:48:25 GMT

So this summer I started English 112 and it has become a nitemare for me. I am more stressed out then I ever have been before. I never thought that I could be at the point where writing hurts me, but it has. I am struggling to write a strong Multiple Source Essay #1. I barely have anything for class, my paper sucks literally, figureatively, and emotionally. I feel so burnt out to the point where I just want to drop this class, or quit. I have to fight for the rights of an A for my GPA's Sake or I will never graduate, or become a success like I hoped. I just dont realize how nerve racking it is to make an english paper become so strong. I have been told to leave all creativity out the door, which Is saying Forget About Gary in the process. all my creative freedom has been stripped, and I really am through with writing. I dont even have the juice to write another poem, and thats my gold mind of flowing images put to wordings through my crazymindsetjus trying to maintain while flying without wings through this random life. Funny thing is I am writing my paper on Blogs while I blog about what weakness I have. Like Rihanna said "SOS, SOMEONE HELP ME! its not healthy to make me feel this way, why are you making this hard got me tossin and turnin" and Daniel Beddingfield also said "I gotta get through this, if ONLY I can get through this" Only Hope, Jesus, Emotions., Writers lab and possible Chinese food could help!

WS 302, Feminist Thought & Action

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 02:51:46 GMT

So let me describe what kind of things that go on in a Feminist class. Tell me why were in Multicultural Feminism, we have a White Bitch telling me a person of color that she understands it better than any of the Black People in the Class. That Bitch tried to tell me, that I dont understand It better than anyone. I hate that Bitch, Vanessa Garlock messed with the wrong person.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

Working Days Are so damn Fun!!!

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 19:21:52 GMT

Today I started my first day back at working at the front desk in mac. Its gone by so fast, but the 2 weeks of suspension didnt. I seriously feel like the person most watched in this job. Its not fair that other can do lack luster work, and I get in trouble for the most trivial stuff. Maybe'e that hall director who hates me Probally see that I am Yankee. I Also had Some resentment building from my So Called Best Friend. We have been close since WS 200 freshman yr first semester. And she goes this semester and passes me over some freshman. I feel so back peddled she, just goes into mac and goes to see her, always in her room hangin out with her and doesnt even call me or see how I am doing anymore. I never thought she would have someone let her opinions get influenced, I mean this Chick is telling her I am bi polar and that, I am a lame ass person who doesnt do anything. Like I work, and study and I try to socialize as much as I could. I dont smoke Weed, or Drink and thats what they have together. I feel so betrayed because I have tried to become more siocial but when you need to do 18 credits hrs to have a shot at a Resident Adivisor position and a Chance to keep the Scholarhip that it took 3 years to get then your social life kinda goes on back burner. I am just tried of getting close to people and they become evil....... It hurts cause the ppl i am close to, end up changing and acting like fake facers... Man I have had to fight an inner battle with being lonely as hell. I have nobody to give affection to and its driving me crazy... Since I need to love someone and Vice Versa.... I mean I tried talking to vast majority of guys lowering my standards and I am still single and not depressed but I just want to cry I need Love damn it. 18 credit hrs and studying and having pressure I need one to confide to. One of my friends is there when i see her, one has forgotten about me, my best friends at home is always Working... So there is no place for me right now. It hurts like hell.......................... I dunno Whats going on anymore I am tryin to fight but it seems like I am swinging but I am not connecting.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 21:19:28 GMT

This week has been so nutty for me. I almost drowned in the Recerational pool. Serves me right to try and float in 9ft pool when i should have stayed in the 4ft pool. I also have been in pain with my shoulder and i need some lovin from a guy. I miss just cuddling, kissing with A Guy. I Also bought New Amerie and it was hot and Bobby Valentino is sweet too.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 00:52:38 GMT

I am seriously so mentally exausted with every new plot twist that comes my way. I think that my life is an avril lavigne song, so complicated and losing grip.