| | After Nine month you think I will be super pumped to leave Bowling Green, Oh and go back to New York City My Home... I dont entirely think so. Going home at this point is highly a happy situation. I havent been able to call it home due to so many issues surrounding my life. My identity in Spanish Harlem is being stripped away due to lack of remembering my existence in the place I grew up in. Growing up as fast I did, the friends I have at home seem to be population 1. The level of sadness when I hear that I am not allowed to relaz hurts the soul. I dont deserve anything for christmas also hurts the heart. I never realized how little family I truely have. When your being told ppl hate you at home, you stay strong and remove all disbelief that really could be true. Christmas Vacation may be my way out for 3 weeks, but it reinforces how much Bowling Green means to me. I may boast about being a New Yorker, and how Amazing it is, but living the way I do its not an amazing place. It hurts knowing that 2 ppl look forward to seeing you, having to place a fake facade on when you have to stay with a man who pretains to be a dad when it only benefits him. I neber understood why Christmas Vacation is the worst time in my college life. Granted, I have my Michelle, My Sis Myesha and my cousin Nefertiti, but it still hurts to know your only a burden not a welcome member to the family. It sucks that Financially, I have to depend on individuals because once I step through that door I will always be reminded of that very thought. I sit in pain, when my very room has been taken hostage by childs toys, game systems, and nothing music related. It hurts when your name is on the lease but your not allowed to call it yours. nineteen years and your still to young, but for me its adult years. I been told that I am a screw up, a Gay disgrace, a cold heartless bitch, a traditor to all things Black and hood. Its a lot for one person to bear. Having the life I live, Financially straped, barely holding on academically, putting on the strong face becausr you know your friends expect that of you. When I am around guys like Eliegh, Mark, Marksquared I have to place this strong front knowing damn well they are probally more talented, driven. They have the things I want and attain. from the family support, the Loving relationships to the High GPAs. I chase a dream, I chase something that may be seen as un attainable. Being that every christmas break I have to deal with those harsh feelings daily, hurts and crushes my immune ayatem. christas break is an emotional time, where nothing makes sense, nothing seems real, nothing seems to be my reality. I have come so far, and this Christmas break going into 2007, I have to show a lack of cash, 3rd place in a pageant, a loss of a PR position in LSU, barely hoping to keep a 3.8 to keep a scholarship, a haterid from an Ex, a crush on someone who may or may not be gay, to even again Being single. Thats what Christmas break allows me to dwell on, it makes me miss my friends in Chanelle, Ericka, Mark. to my brothers in MC, my officer duties as Historian. Christmas Break strips me of the fighter in me, that has worked on being accepting of myself, but refelects on how Big a fCUK UP I am. Its harsh, but thats generally what my christmas break is like, I guess when you dont get presents from family who hate you, subconconciusly thats thje christmas gift that I was given. So Merry Christmas to all who reads this, may your break be merry, I will prey mines wont hurt me more.!! |
